Baby Blues

So this week the baby blues hit. I had always heard about them, but never really knew how it would be. Well I found out this week.

Patrick went back to work on Monday, and I miss him. He was such a great help, changed most of the diapers, got my water/juice when I needed it, watched Sam when I needed to shower or use the bathroom. This week has been tough. I love my sweet baby girl, but she nurses every couple of hours, doesn't like to sleep without us holding her and hates to be put down at all. By the way breastfeeding, not as glamorous as I thought it would be. I am glad that I am doing it, because it is bonding time for me and my girl, but I spend about 8-12 hours a day feeding her and it hurts! I feel so guilty sometimes, because I cringe at the thought of having to feed her again, because I am so sore. I know it will get better, but just waiting for that to happen is frustrating. Once Sam gets a good latch, and starts feeding I am fine, the pain goes away, and I love looking at her sweet little face, but I hate the feeling that I don't get to just enjoy some of my time with her like the hubs and our family and friends do.

I am struggling with my hormones too. I don't feel like it is severe enough to be considered postpartum depression, but I just am so overwhelmed. I cry when she cries, I cry when I tell her I love her, I cry when she smiles at me (even if it's just gas, it's still a smile dang it!). I worry so much that I'm not doing everything I can for her, or that I'll do something wrong. I am so overwhelmed with how much I love her and am afraid to let her cry, or not watch her sleep because I know it could all be taken away in a second. I cry because I just want to be good enough, and sometimes, I'm not sure that I am. I know this all sounds completely irrational, and I am such a happy person that it seems totally crazy to me too. My parents came over yesterday to check on us, and made me feel better, they let me know that sometimes baby's cry, and there is nothing you can do, and let me know that what I was going through was normal too. I feel like the last few weeks of pregnancy, no matter how uncomfortable I was, I was on this high. I was happier than I ever had been with the exception of my wedding day. I looked forward to every little thing, every kick, every appointment, everything baby. Then after the delivery, I was so exhausted and in so much pain, all I thought about was that pain and exhaustion, and Samantha. With so many friends and family around, and my wonderful husband, I couldn't help but still be happy, no matter how much I was hurting, or how tired I was, but once everyone was gone, and Patrick was back at work, that changed. I love my daughter, I want what is best for her, and would do anything to ensure her safety and well being, but I felt so helpless. I was used to taking care of myself and of her when she was inside me, but will I ever be good enough to take care of all of her needs?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I have always wanted to be a mommy, and my baby girl is so adorable and sweet.I love her so much, and want to make her happier than any other child in the world. I just want to share the truth about after the baby gets here. How it feels to worry so much about something so small. How you constantly criticize everything you do because you just want to be the perfect parent. I feel guilty for taking a nap rather than reading my parenting books, and even more guilty for not watching her for every second of every minute of every hour of every day. She wants my undivided attention, and I want to give it to her, but sometimes I'm afraid it's just not enough.

On a more positive note: Samantha is growing so big already. She lifts her head so much and so willfully that sometimes it scares me that she is going to hurt herself. We have her 2 week check up on Friday, and I will try to update you when I can. I also decided to book our wedding photographer for her newborn pictures, and we are taking those at our house on Friday afternoon. I know it is a little more expensive than what I wanted to spend, but I know that I will want some good professional photos of Sam and of our family, and am really looking forward to it.

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Dear God,
Thank you for everything that you have done for us. Thank you for our beautiful healthy baby girl, and for my wonderful husband, family, and friends. Thank you for letting me love Samantha so much that I worry, because I know that it means that I care for her more than I could ever care about anything else in the world. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful support system of family, and friends both in real life and on my message board. Please continue to teach me to let go of things that don't really matter, and to help me to be the best mother I can possibly be. Please continue to let Samantha and I bond, and help things that are difficult right now become more positive and easier to accomplish. Thank you so much for everything that you do for us.
AMEN
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