Samantha's 2 week check up

Today Patrick and I took Samantha to her pediatrician for her 2 week check up. She is up to 8lbs and is now 21 inches long. This puts her in the 50th percentile for weight and 75th percentile for height. Her head is measuring at 38cm in circumference which puts her in the 90th percentile for head size. Guess it just shows that she has a really big brain, haha! The doctor said that Sam's muscle tone is excellent and that she is very healthy! We asked a few questions and they took some more blood from her heel, which just broke my heart, but she took it like a champ. Just wanted to keep you all updated on her progress. Her next appointment won't be until she is 2 months old. She is growing up so fast already.

Also, my mood has been much better the last couple of days. I have only cried about a couple of silly things, and mine and Samantha's time together has become so much more enjoyable. I still get tired of the constant feedings, but if that's what my girl needs, that's what she will get. :) Our photographer from our wedding is coming over to our house on Tuesday to take some newborn pictures of Samantha. We are hoping to use a few of the photos for her birth announcement in the next few weeks. We are really excited about it, even with another added expense, but our girl is worth it. I will post the pics when I get them back!

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Dear God,
Thank you for everything you do for us. Thank you for giving us such a healthy baby girl, and for letting her be so happy most of the time. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful group of family and friends that give me reassurance and are there for me during my time of need. Thank you for helping me through the difficult parts of being a first time mom, and for giving me a wonderful husband that loves me enough to understand me even when I don't understand myself. Thank you for all that you do and everything you have blessed our family with. Please continue to watch over us and protect us.
AMEN
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Baby Blues

So this week the baby blues hit. I had always heard about them, but never really knew how it would be. Well I found out this week.

Patrick went back to work on Monday, and I miss him. He was such a great help, changed most of the diapers, got my water/juice when I needed it, watched Sam when I needed to shower or use the bathroom. This week has been tough. I love my sweet baby girl, but she nurses every couple of hours, doesn't like to sleep without us holding her and hates to be put down at all. By the way breastfeeding, not as glamorous as I thought it would be. I am glad that I am doing it, because it is bonding time for me and my girl, but I spend about 8-12 hours a day feeding her and it hurts! I feel so guilty sometimes, because I cringe at the thought of having to feed her again, because I am so sore. I know it will get better, but just waiting for that to happen is frustrating. Once Sam gets a good latch, and starts feeding I am fine, the pain goes away, and I love looking at her sweet little face, but I hate the feeling that I don't get to just enjoy some of my time with her like the hubs and our family and friends do.

I am struggling with my hormones too. I don't feel like it is severe enough to be considered postpartum depression, but I just am so overwhelmed. I cry when she cries, I cry when I tell her I love her, I cry when she smiles at me (even if it's just gas, it's still a smile dang it!). I worry so much that I'm not doing everything I can for her, or that I'll do something wrong. I am so overwhelmed with how much I love her and am afraid to let her cry, or not watch her sleep because I know it could all be taken away in a second. I cry because I just want to be good enough, and sometimes, I'm not sure that I am. I know this all sounds completely irrational, and I am such a happy person that it seems totally crazy to me too. My parents came over yesterday to check on us, and made me feel better, they let me know that sometimes baby's cry, and there is nothing you can do, and let me know that what I was going through was normal too. I feel like the last few weeks of pregnancy, no matter how uncomfortable I was, I was on this high. I was happier than I ever had been with the exception of my wedding day. I looked forward to every little thing, every kick, every appointment, everything baby. Then after the delivery, I was so exhausted and in so much pain, all I thought about was that pain and exhaustion, and Samantha. With so many friends and family around, and my wonderful husband, I couldn't help but still be happy, no matter how much I was hurting, or how tired I was, but once everyone was gone, and Patrick was back at work, that changed. I love my daughter, I want what is best for her, and would do anything to ensure her safety and well being, but I felt so helpless. I was used to taking care of myself and of her when she was inside me, but will I ever be good enough to take care of all of her needs?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I have always wanted to be a mommy, and my baby girl is so adorable and sweet.I love her so much, and want to make her happier than any other child in the world. I just want to share the truth about after the baby gets here. How it feels to worry so much about something so small. How you constantly criticize everything you do because you just want to be the perfect parent. I feel guilty for taking a nap rather than reading my parenting books, and even more guilty for not watching her for every second of every minute of every hour of every day. She wants my undivided attention, and I want to give it to her, but sometimes I'm afraid it's just not enough.

On a more positive note: Samantha is growing so big already. She lifts her head so much and so willfully that sometimes it scares me that she is going to hurt herself. We have her 2 week check up on Friday, and I will try to update you when I can. I also decided to book our wedding photographer for her newborn pictures, and we are taking those at our house on Friday afternoon. I know it is a little more expensive than what I wanted to spend, but I know that I will want some good professional photos of Sam and of our family, and am really looking forward to it.

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Dear God,
Thank you for everything that you have done for us. Thank you for our beautiful healthy baby girl, and for my wonderful husband, family, and friends. Thank you for letting me love Samantha so much that I worry, because I know that it means that I care for her more than I could ever care about anything else in the world. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful support system of family, and friends both in real life and on my message board. Please continue to teach me to let go of things that don't really matter, and to help me to be the best mother I can possibly be. Please continue to let Samantha and I bond, and help things that are difficult right now become more positive and easier to accomplish. Thank you so much for everything that you do for us.
AMEN
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The Good, the bad, & the ugly: Our Birth Story

It is hard to believe that just a week ago today, I was being admitted to the hospital to get my labor started. I was so anxious, nervous, and excited. I had so many questions running through my mind: When would I actually have my baby? How big would she be? Would I be able to have the vaginal birth I had hoped for? Could I really avoid having a surgery like so many of my friends? Will I be a good mom? Patrick and I got to the hospital on Tuesday 2/9 at 7:45pm. We signed in at the front and waited for my name to be called. Our nurse for the night, Tana came and got us from the waiting room and took us back to our birthing suite. She was really sweet and told me that I needed to get into the hospital gown and she would be back to hook me up to the monitors and my IV. I felt silly getting into the gown, mostly because it only tied at the top and left absolutely nothing to the imagination. I am so modest that before this I could say that there were only a hand full of people who had ever seen me naked (my doctor, my husband, God, and my parents although they hadn’t seen me that way in quite some time lol), but after all that I was about to go through, the open backed gown was the least of my worries. I came back into the room and got hooked up to a fetal monitor and a monitor for my contractions. This was my favorite part of delivery. The monitors were uncomfortable and a real pain to take to the bathroom, but this meant that I got to listen to my precious daughter’s heartbeat all night long! The nurse checked me to see if I had dilated any since my appointment with Dr. Tallent that morning, and I had progressed a whole centimeter.
She administered the Cytotec to get my cervix to soften up and dilate so that we could induce labor the following morning. Patrick read his book and I got out the laptop to post on my favorite message board to let them know how everything was going so far. Around 10:30 we started playing UNO and spent our last night together as a married couple with no children talking and reminiscing about the last 10 years we have spent together. After I beat him 11 games to 3 he decided he was ready to go to bed. I took a sleeping pill that the nurse gave me to help me relax and we both fell asleep.


Wednesday 2/10 morning around 1am the nurse came back with my second dose of Cytotec, checked me again and I went back to sleep. At 2am I was having some steady contractions and the nurse came to check on me to see if I would like some medicine in my IV to help take the edge off. I figured there was no reason for me to be in pain, if I didn’t have to be, so I had her administer the medicine and it let me sleep soundly until Dr. Tallent came in at 5 to check me again. I still wasn’t progressing, but was still having random contractions. They administered the Pitocin to get my contractions to increase in frequency and intensity, and left me to get some more sleep. The nurse came in at 8 and I had dilated to 3 cm and was in -1 position and about 50% effaced. Finally some real progress. My doctor came back in and broke my water, let me just say one of the weirdest feelings in the world, so that we could get things moving even faster, and then the nurse said that they could go ahead and administer my epidural. I got my first epidural at 9am. I had been shaking a lot, which was my body’s reaction to the pain of labor, and was really worried about having a needle stuck in my back while I couldn’t hold myself still. When the anesthesiologist’s assistant came in, I couldn’t help but laugh, he looked just like Patrick’s brother, and the thought of him seeing my backside mortified me. Like I said, this is something I was just going to have to get over. He and the anesthesiologist had me sit up and put my legs over the side of the bed while curving my spine. The nurse held my left hand and was telling me when my contractions were coming and helped me breathe through them. Patrick did something that totally surprised me though, he has a fear of needles and doesn’t really do well in medical situations, so much so he doesn’t even like to watch medical shows on TV, but he was there in my time of need. Patrick held my right hand, talked to me and told me what a great job I was doing. He stroked my hair and kissed my hand, and reassured me that I would be ok, and I knew I would be. Once the epidural had been administered it didn’t take very long for me to feel the effects. About twenty minutes later, I felt great. My contractions were like an ant crawling over your skin, I knew they were there but they didn’t hurt anymore. Patrick’s parents arrived at the hospital and we had them come back to the room while I was feeling ok, and we all sat and talked for a while. My parents arrived shortly after and came back too. At first I didn’t think that I wanted anyone in the birthing suite but Patrick, but I realized that these were the people that brought us into the world, and I wanted to spend time with them one last time as their babies, before we had our own baby. No one stayed during the delivery but Patrick, but while we were waiting I wanted our parents there. Patrick’s parents went with him to the cafeteria to eat lunch, and my parents stayed and talked to me. When Patrick came back I had started having some more pain. My epidural was only working on my right side. We buzzed the new nurse Monica and told her that I could feel the left side of my body. She was great. She came in talked to me, asked me about the pain, and immediately got in touch with the anesthesiologist to come back to give me some more medicine. They had me sit up and at this point I got really nauseated, and my shivers had gotten so bad that I couldn’t stop my teeth from chattering. I was expecting some shivering, but this felt like an earthquake was going through my body. I could barely sit up I hurt so badly, and then I had to vomit. Luckily I was only allowed ice chips after midnight the night before, so it wasn’t horrible, but still not very pleasant. After a few more minutes the anesthesiologist got there and administered a shot into the catheter in my back and said that this medicine was four times stronger than the initial dose and should make me feel completely numb. The only problem I had with the medication was that it was lowering my blood pressure, so the nurse had to administer epinephrine into my IV to keep it at a normal pressure. Patrick was by my right side talking me through the contractions and rubbing my arm, and my daddy was at my left side holding my hands, and rubbing them with his to get them warm again since my temperature had dropped when my BP did. My father and husband are amazing men, who in the most stressful of situations were able to put my mind at ease even though I was in so much pain I could barely breathe. About twenty minutes later the new medicine took effect and I was numb from my toes all the way up to my shoulders. I couldn’t even tell that I was touching my own side! This stuff was great! In the meantime, my nephews and sister had gotten to the hospital and were in the waiting room. I didn’t want them to see me in pain so I asked that they wait there until my medicine started working again and I could be more myself when they came back to see me. Around 1:30 I was feeling much better and my mom called the nurse and asked her to make sure that my nephews could come back. The hospital has a policy about children who are under the age of 14 visiting have to be new siblings, but after I explained to my wonderful nurse how close we were, and that they were like my own kids, she said that she would bend the rules since I had requested it. We really liked this nurse, she was so sweet, helpful, and kept saying that we were the nicest couple and that she was so glad to see two people who were so excited to have a baby. So at 2, my nephews were allowed back into our birthing suite. When they came in they both kissed me and asked how Sam and I were doing, if I was hurting, and if I was ready to have the baby yet. They were so concerned and excited about the birth of their new cousin. We all sat and talked for a while. My sister was telling labor stories and how easy both of hers were, and I did a mean thing and shot her a bird. Here I was laboring for a day, working on my second epidural, and fearing a c-section was in my future, and she was bragging about her hour long labor with her youngest son. Give me a break! It was all in good fun, but I meant it! At 3 Patrick and I asked that everyone leave the birthing suite and go to the waiting room to give us some time to relax together. He went and got me some more ice chips, something he had been doing all day long, and we talked about the baby, my fears about delivery, and again he reassured me that everything would work out the way it was supposed to. The nurse checked me to see if I had made any more progress, I was now dilated 7cm and in 0 position about 80% effaced. Then at 3:30 I started having awful pains and lots of pressure. My epidural had worked, but for some reason had worn off in a very important place, where Samantha’s head was pressed. The nurse called it a “hot spot” and said that sometimes there are just certain spots that the nerves don’t get the message from the medication that they are not supposed to hurt anymore. Unfortunately, with where my “hot spot” was, it made for very painful contractions, and again I started to shake, my blood pressure was dropping, and Samantha’s heart rate was a little lower than they would have liked. The nurse tried to sit me up, but my back was still numb from the shot earlier so I couldn’t do it. I got nauseated again, and Patrick stood there with a bed pan as I once again lost my ice chips. Just another thing I thought my husband couldn’t do when it comes to medical stuff, and for me he bore the burden. The nurse called the anesthesiologist again and continued to help me breathe through the contractions. Patrick stood by my bedside and rubbed my head and wiped my tears as I cried through the pain. I tried so hard to remember the breathing we had learned in our Child Birth classes but all I could do was breathe in my nose and grit my teeth as I breathed out my mouth. I kept my eyes shut the whole time; because as soon as I started to cry I could feel that Patrick was going to cry too, and I knew I couldn’t look him in the face because it would only make my heart ache too. He loves me so much and he couldn’t stand to see me in so much pain. At 4 the anesthesiologist came back in and administered a dose of a new medication and it also took effect in the next twenty minutes or so . My breathing became less labored, I stopped shaking as much, and I could open my eyes again. Then finally I was back to being numb again, and couldn’t even feel the worst of contractions. Patrick and I talked some more, and the nurse began to bring in some things that the doctor would need to deliver Samantha. I asked her what the plan was, and she told us that he would be in a little after 5 to check me and to see where we would go from there. Dr. Tallent came in and said that he was about to deliver the girl next door, and would check me to see how much further we had to go. I was fully effaced, 10 cm dilated, and Samantha was in the +3 position! This was it! It was time to start pushing. My doctor went next door and delivered his other patient and my nurse started prepping me to deliver. My nurse started getting some other stuff ready, and Patrick went to get me some more ice and to tell our parents what was going on before we started to push. When he came back, I told him to call the nurse. I had started to be able to feel my legs again; my epidural was wearing off for the third time. The nurse came back in and felt around to see how much I could feel. Luckily it was just my legs and my back at the time. We went ahead and started pushing, praying that my medicine would continue to work in the important places. Patrick stood by my right side and held my hand; I took in a deep breath and bore down pushing with all of my strength three times for each contraction. I started feeling lots of pressure. I could tell that Samantha was in the birth canal. That was when I knew I could have my baby the way I wanted to, but I also realized that my epidural was not going to last much longer. I pushed for about twenty minutes when the nurse stopped me. She said that I was getting really close to having my baby girl in my arms, but since the doctor was not finished next door we needed to wait out the next few contractions to give him some time to get in the delivery room. I could feel my baby moving, ready to get out, but we waited. Three long contractions later, I told them that I needed to push. My nurse said that the doctor had just delivered the patient next door, and would be right over, so I could start whenever I was ready. I took a deep breath and started pushing again, and the nurse said that she could see Samantha’s head! She asked Patrick if he wanted to see, and even though he said all along that he didn’t want to look, he changed his mind and looked down to see his daughters full head of hair. He looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said “she’s right there!” I pushed for another few contractions and Samantha was bearing down really hard, I could feel her everywhere, I knew that she would be here if I could just push hard enough. Then, Dr. Tallent came in the room and said that he was ready for me. After a few more pushes, he told me that he would give me five more hard pushes before he did anything like use the vacuum or do an episiotomy. I told him that was ok if it was best for Sam, and I started pushing again. By the third push, I felt so exhausted, had no energy left and the pressure and pain was so much more than I could have imagined. I cried and told Patrick, “She’s almost here” my excitement overwhelmed me. My epidural had officially run out and it was all up to me to get my baby out, no matter how much pain I was in. Patrick continued to stay by my side, but watched and videotaped our daughter being born. On push number 4 on 2/10/2010 at 6:29 pm my beautiful baby girl came into this world and cried. I cried and said, “is she ok?” Patrick reassured me that she was fine, and I told Patrick to take pictures; I needed lots of pictures. He took pictures that I had waited 40 weeks to take, and cut her umbilical cord. Then Dr. Tallent wiped her down and laid her on my belly. She was so perfect, and I was in love instantly! As the nurse picked her up to get her stats and Apgar score Patrick asked if I was ok, and I told him to go be with our daughter, that I needed more pictures so I wouldn’t miss anything. By this point I was so relieved, so thankful, so amazed that I had just given birth to our daughter. Then came the rough part, I delivered the placenta and everything was going well, but I had a 2nd degree tear. While it could have been much worse, I had to be stitched up with no epidural, and could feel the entire process. I told Dr. Tallent that I realized there was nothing that could be done, but that I needed him to know that I was in pain and lots of it. He told me he would do his best to finish quickly, but that he wanted to make sure to get all of the blood vessels tied off. I was shaking, smiling, and crying. I called out to Patrick and asked how much she weighed; he told me that they hadn’t gotten that far yet. Lol. Then he called out that she was 7lbs 10oz and 20 inches long with an 8.9 Apgar score. A perfectly healthy happy baby girl!

The nurse helped me to the bathroom, and I got cleaned up a little so that our family, who were waiting, could come in and see the new addition. We waited for a few minutes to call them in so that we could bask in the joy of our daughter’s arrival. I immediately nursed Samantha and she latched on like a champ. It felt so good to know that she still needed me so much, even though she wasn’t inside of me anymore. I got covered up and got as comfortable as I could while Patrick went and told our family that she had arrived. I know they were a little upset that we waited almost an hour to come and get them, but we just needed the time to gather our thoughts. They all came in and saw our baby girl and were so happy to see that she was so healthy. Our parents were so proud and it showed in their faces. My dad came over and kissed me on the forehead and told me how proud he was of me and that he loved me. Then they all grabbed our stuff so that we could be moved to our room on the postpartum floor. Patrick and I dropped Samantha off at the nursery so they could get her body temperature up and we went to our room to get settled in. Then Patrick went back to the nursery to give Sam her first bath. My family followed to get pictures and video so that I would be able to see it later. My dad stayed behind and made sure I was ok. Then the nurse brought Samantha back to the room and our family followed as we took more pictures. My oldest nephew was afraid to hold her because he didn’t want to hurt her, but he did after I asked him to do it for me for one picture. My parents ran to McDonalds and got Patrick a burger and me a chocolate milkshake. All day long I had said all I wanted was the biggest glass of ice water I could find and either a smoothie or a milkshake. Lol. All in all, everything was great. I was exhausted, sore, and had been through a lot, but we had our baby girl and nothing else mattered.

Over the next few days, it was pretty much a painful, exhausting blur. We had a lot of doctors, nurses, and visitors coming in and out. Our parents visited again, along with Patrick’s grandmother, and the pastor from our new church came by and prayed with us and gave us a prayer shawl that some of the women at the church had made. My friend Carolyn had come by to visit and was there for the prayer too, it made me feel good because I realized I do have family close by, even if there is no blood relation. I was in a lot of pain, but once I got the right medications I was feeling better, but still haven’t really had a decent night’s sleep.


I won’t lie, not everything has been perfect. Our first night home was one of the most trying nights of my life. Running on little sleep, and being in lots of pain is bad enough, but when your newborn baby is hungry and you don’t have any milk yet, it wears on a person’s emotions. Luckily the next day my milk came in, and throughout the weekend we had some amazing family come over and help out, while celebrating the birth of our new daughter and Valentine’s Day.

We had our first Pediatrician visit on Monday. Samantha is doing perfect, they ran another Billy Rubin test to double check for jaundice, and it came back normal. She also lost half an ounce since her discharge weight, but after a weight checkup today she has gained a whole ounce and is doing great since she is feeding more.

I know that this was incredibly long and it may take a couple of days to get through, but I wanted to share our experience with you, and hope that you have enjoyed the story of the birth of our daughter.

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Dear God,
We just want to thank you for everything that you do for us. Thank you so much for the birth of our beautiful and healthy daughter Samantha Noel, and thank you for taking care of me as I heal from her delivery. Please give us the strength to take care of her like she needs to be, even when it means that we are running on little to no sleep. Please continue to bless our family and to take care of our needs. Thank you so much for our wonderful family and friends who have been there to rejoice with us and have given us a shoulder to lean on. Please continue to let mine and Patrick’s love flourish and become even stronger so that we may show our daughter that she is the result of that love. Please give us the patience to get through this busy time and to realize when we need help and how to ask for it. Thank you again for everything you do for us.
AMEN
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A letter to my daughter

**39 weeks 4 days**

Patrick and I decided that we wanted to write Samantha a letter before her arrival so that we could let her know what we were thinking and let her know how we feel about her. Patrick's is on his blog so feel free to check it out too!
♦ Patrick's Blog ♦

Dear Samantha,

1Samuel 1:27
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

I want you to know that I have loved and prayed for you for longer than I can remember. With only three days left until your due date, it feels like only yesterday I learned that you were growing inside of me. Over the past nine months I have grown to love you more and more each and every day, and the anticipation of your long awaited arrival is almost more than I can take. At times I can feel you moving inside my womb and I feel as if I know you already. I try to imagine what you will look like; will you have mine and Granna’s smile, your daddy’s freckles, your Grandpa’s eyes? You are my little angel, my gift from God, the answers to all of my prayers. You and your daddy are my reasons for everything. I don’t know if I can ever express to you how much I love you already, but I hope that in a way you already know. I am looking forward to the minute I can finally hold you in my arms, but know that you are going to grow up so fast. Your daddy and I have so much that we want to teach you, but we know that there is so much more that you are going to teach us. Every day we talk about how much we love you, how all we want to do is make you happy and hope that all of your dreams come true. And every day we talk about how you are going to change our lives forever, and how having you is going to be the greatest accomplishment we have ever made. I just want you to know that no matter what, “I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.”

Love Always,
Mommy

1 week til D-Day!!!

**39weeks**
Today Samantha and I had our 39 week check up. Everything is perfect, gained half a pound for a grand total of 33.5lbs, bp was 120/80, her hr was 140 bpm, and measuring right at 39 weeks. I still didn't have any progress, but my doctor said that it was fine. He asked how I felt about having a baby next Wednesday. My eyes got as big as silver dollars and I asked him what he meant. Dr. Tallent said that he would be out of town on vacation the following week, but that he really likes delivering his own patients, so he wants me to come in next Tuesday morning for another checkup to see how things are progressing, and if I have made it that far that he will induce me on Tuesday night so that Samantha can be born on her due date 2/10/2010!!! So now we are just waiting and seeing. She may still come on her own, although it doesn't seem likely, but if not we will still definitely have a baby by next Wednesday!!!! We are incredibly excited, Patrick has been trying to coax her into coming out for about a week now, so he is ready, and I am too but a little nervous about everything. Please say a prayer that everything happens like it is supposed to, and that we have a healthy happy delivery next week. I will update my blog and add pictures as soon as we have some. We love you all, and can't wait for you to meet our baby girl!


Here are a few pictures of Samantha's nursery, it's almost complete. Just need a T for her name.





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Dear God,
Thank you for all that you do for us. Thank you for giving us a healthy pregnancy, and for taking such good care of our baby girl. Thank you for letting us experience all of this excitement and anticipation for the arrival of Samantha and for giving us this last week to enjoy ourselves alone as husband and wife before we add to our family. Thank you for letting us visit and find a new church that we feel like home in, and for finding a Sunday school class with people that we hope to get to know better. Thank you for leading us to a place that makes us feel closer to you, and hopefully we will get to join as members soon. Thank you for watching over my family and friends. Thank you for the good that you are doing in my older sister's life. Thank you for Patrick's job, our home, our lives. Thank you for all that you do for us and all that you have blessed us with in this last incredible year. Please continue to work through us and to bless us and our families and friends.
AMEN
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