The Night Before Kindergarten (Dear Samantha)

Dear Samantha,

Tonight is the night before your first day of kindergarten…… (Sorry I had to take a minute to breathe so I wouldn’t cry, but I did anyway. )

Today was our last day of summer before you start school for the next 13 to 17+ years. It was a good day. You woke up and came to my bed and asked to snuggle while you played on your iphone, you asked for orange juice as soon as your feet hit the floor, and as usual you wanted to know what we were doing today. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to those things every day. Your sweetness, your ability to tell others what you want when you want it, your curiosity and excitement for what each and every single day has in store. Today we had a play date at our house with your best friend Emma. You played board games and dress up and tea party and drew signs for toy stores and restaurants. After she left we went grocery shopping for your lunches for school (yogurt, fruit snacks, goldfish, strawberries and orange juice) then had dinner with Granna and Grandpa. It was a good day. Tonight when we got home, you and Ben got a bath while I read books about starting kindergarten and you both played and fussed about who got to sit where and not wanting your hair rinsed out. Then you put on your ghost pajamas and went to lie down on the couch with baby doll and Ben then watched peppa pig while I rubbed your back. We prayed together, although you insisted on saying the Lord ’s Prayer alone because you are big now, and then I prayed with you for you to have a great first day of school and for God to be with you. Then I sang to you and your brother until you went to sleep.

I want to remember every detail about you. I’m trying so hard to figure out what the purpose of this letter is, but I think it’s really just to let you know what you are like at this very moment and what hopes I have for you as you grow up.  I don’t want to stop time in its tracks because I would miss seeing you become who you are meant to be, but I never imagined how fast time would pass when you and your brother came into our lives.

I loved you the moment I found out that you were growing in my belly. That love grew and I loved you even more the day you were born. Now that I have had 5 ½ years of loving you and caring for you every day and every night I love you so much more than I ever knew I could love anything. You going to kindergarten is a wonderful start to an amazing journey that you have to take alone though, and my heart is breaking that I cannot go with you. I know it’s hard to explain, but you (and your brother) are my heart outside of my body, and to not have such a large part of my heart with me all the time is hard! I just want you to know how much you mean to me. It’s more than just “I love you” you are my everything.
I want you to know that you weren’t always an easy baby/kid. You spent about half of age 3 in time out, where I held you in my lap because you refused to sit there on your own. “I’m sorry” is probably the hardest thing to get you to say, although you have gotten better about it. You are stubborn, probably more stubborn than your Grandpa and that is really saying something.  No matter what though I have always loved you and wanted what was best for you, wanted you to become a happy, friendly kid and you have. You are growing up to be an amazing girl!

I keep thinking about all of the things I don’t have to worry about tomorrow while half of my heart is walking around at kindergarten, so that it will ease my worries. Here are a few things I am sure of.

-I know that you will make friends. You are that child that can make a friend out of anyone whether it’s at school or the park or a chick fil a play place. You are the friendliest child I’ve ever known.  You tend to find the quiet kids, the ones who don’t necessarily make friends as easily as you do, the kids that don’t know how much they are going to love you once they talk to you. You have this way of making others feel comfortable and happy and more outgoing. It’s a gift the way you bring shy kids out of their shell. I’m so incredibly proud of your ability to love others so whole heartedly.

-I know even if you get anxious or sad, you know that I will come back for you. You have that beautiful sense of trust and faith in me that I will always be there. It’s something that I hope I never fail at.

-I know that you are smart. You are so smart! You can’t read yet, but you are so stinking close. If you weren’t so stubborn you would have gotten there already, but you are so busy trying to figure everything else out you don’t take your time to sit and read because it is faster for me to do it for you. You have an incredible vocabulary and are a little sponge when it comes to learning new words. You’ve been doing math since you were too little to be able to do math. You’ve always loved shapes and numbers and I love that about you. You aren’t just smart in the traditional sense either, you are so good about seeing things differently and being inquisitive when something just doesn’t seem right. It can drive me a little crazy when you’ve asked the hundredth question about birds or why the letter A makes two sounds, but I love your thirst for knowledge.

Things I worry about.

-You are so sweet, I worry about the world around you and if someone were to take advantage of you or will hurt your feelings.  I was picked on as a kid for a variety of things, and it hurts knowing that no matter how smart and beautiful and kind you are, some people are just mean.

-I worry about peer pressure (not so much in kindergarten just in general). I never want you to go along with the crowd just because they tell you to. I want so badly to explain how important it is to hold on to your individuality because you are so special.

-I worry that you will be a perfectionist. I know, it’s crazy to worry that you won’t fail at anything but I do. It’s one of those lessons that you can’t learn until it happens. I want it to happen for small things when you are young so that you can cope with the bigger stuff later on. I never want you to feel that feeling, but it’s so important. It is ok to make mistakes.

-That you’ll cry because you miss me. That you won’t cry because you don’t miss me. I know that one is a total contradiction, but it’s true.

-How much Ben is going to miss you while you are gone. You are the best big sister. (now I’m going to cry again). I worried so much about how you would handle having a new baby because it had been just us for almost 3 years. We had little bumps because you wanted more attention than I could give you while nursing your newborn brother, but I have never regretted giving you a sibling. The way you love each other right now is one of the most precious gifts a mother can have. You occasionally tease him and he doesn’t always get his way, but most of the time you are inseparable and the bond you have is something I wanted for you, but also for our family. I don’t know what he is going to do without you here to play with him all day, to help him when he wants the toy off the high shelf that I just took away, to tell him it’s ok when he gets into trouble. It’s going to take him time to not be lost without you.

Tomorrow, my sweet girl, you start Kindergarten. You will start a journey that in several years will end with you graduating and leaving home and starting another journey on your own. I’m trying not to think that far ahead. I’m trying to just be here in the moment and remember every moment I get to be with you, all the while hoping and praying that I am raising you to be a good person who does good things. I love you so much my sweet and funny girl “you are my sunshine”.

Love,

Mommy